Compromise in Relationships is Important. But How Much is Too Much?
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You almost certainly know intellectually that compromise (and the ability to do it well!) is one of those things you’ll find at the center of any healthy relationship.
There will be times in pretty much any relationship, personal or professional, when someone who's important to you wants or needs something from you that feels uncomfortable—or at least, less than 100% desirable—to give.
It might look like someone asking you:
to make a change — possibly about yourself, your schedule, your habits, or your expectations
to make time or space — possibly for a commitment, an event, a change, a conversation, or a new division of responsibilities
to partially or fully give something up — possibly a habit, a resource, or something else you’ve been enjoying
to take something on — possibly a favor, a chore, or a new area of responsibility
Sometimes, asks like these are truly no big deal in the grand scheme of things.
After all, it’s reasonable to expect that there will be times in any relationship when doing (or no longer doing) something is truly the best way to maintain a healthy balance—and the task of having to do (or not) do them might be irritating, or inconvenient, or disappointing. But in many cases, that’s just part of being a human: having to do things we don’t always want to do.
But then, there are other times when the impact of these asks feels bigger. Itchier.
And that can be where you might start to feel that sense of resistance or hesitation. And if your M.O. often involves shades of people-pleasing and/or conflict avoidance, you might start to doubt yourself and quietly ask all kinds of questions like: "Should I be pushing back here? Or am I overreacting? If I make this into a big deal, will I regret being difficult? Should I just suck it up?"
This kind of self-doubt is really common, and really understandable, especially if people-pleasing is something you’ve historically struggled with!
Suddenly, it makes some sense that the waters feel muddy.
How Do We Define Compromise in Relationships?
A really interesting thing happened when I looked up the word “compromise” in the dictionary. There were two definitions that appeared side by side:
to settle a dispute by mutual concession
to accept standards that are lower than is desirable
Poetic, no? 🙃
Think about it: how often do you conflate the two? Or at least, how often do you enter a conversation hoping to find a mutual agreement, but then end accepting standards that are lower than desirable—possibly because there’s some under-the-surface fear of conflict happening?
This tension between craving peace and balance while also wanting to avoid conflict is exactly why healthy compromise can feel so elusive.
So when we ask this question of, ‘What does healthy compromise in relationships look like?’ I think what many of us are really asking ourselves is, “am I doing it right?”
In other words: “am I giving too much of myself here?” or if we’re the one’s asking for something, “am I asking for too much?”
Intellectually, we know disagreements come up. We know competing needs or priorities come up in any relationship, and that there are going to be times when both sides need to make concessions to find a solution. We know we should expect to give on some things in relationships, and that it’s reasonable to ask others to give some things, too.
But when it comes to compromise in relationships, especially for those of us who know we’re prone to some people-pleasing tendencies, the lines can get blurry. Things like guilt, obligation, or fear of disconnection start to fog things up.
How do we know when we’re making necessary, healthy, ‘normal’ concessions, vs. when we’re falling into old, unconscious patterns and caving just to keep the peace?
And before we get into the answer to that question, here’s what I love about the question itself: it acknowledges that there’s a line!
By asking ‘how much compromise is too much?’, we’re acknowledging the existence of that line in the sand; the point at which it’s healthy and normal—and in fact our responsibility—to push back, to say no, or to start a dialogue.
So, we know there’s a line! Now it’s just a matter of how to find it.
Tools & Strategies for Finding the Line That Separates ‘Healthy Compromise’ from ‘Giving Too Much’
There’s a word I’ve come to love, both for its poetic meaning and its many applications, and that word is consonance.
The dictionary defines it as, “agreement or compatibility between opinions or actions.” In other words, finding harmony between what we believe, and what we do.
So then, consonance is about creating alignment between how we think and feel, and how we behave.
The other thing I love about this word? It is literally the opposite of dissonance. I was first introduced to the word ‘dissonance’ – and specifically, the idea of cognitive dissonance – by a wonderful therapist I saw years ago. Cognitive dissonance, I learned, is that uncomfortable twinge we feel when we experience inconsistencies or contradictions between what we think or believe, and what we do.
Have you ever told yourself you were on board with someone else’s ideas or plan, because you didn’t want to ‘cause trouble’ or ‘rock the boat’ – even if it was in conflict with your needs, beliefs, or values in some way? Ever tried to change your own mind or bargain with yourself, to try and justify a decision you might not be totally comfortable with?
Cognitive dissonance is the discomfort you probably felt in those situations, that was trying to tell you something was out of alignment.
So here’s where the magic happens:
If you’re questioning whether you’re giving too much, noticing the difference between what how consonance feels to you vs. how cognitive dissonance feels is like having your own personal flashlight to help you find your line in the sand.
Consonance, to me, means living in a way where the outside matches the inside. In other words: it’s when what we say and how we show up is in agreement with what’s going on in our inner landscape — with our values, our beliefs, our boundaries, our needs in that moment, our capacity to give, etc.
And even when it’s not easy, living in that kind of alignment tends to feel more like harmony.
That’s not to say ‘harmony’ always feels 100% pleasant, or that it means taking the easy road. It’s not about over-prioritizing outer or relational harmony, and it’s also not about focusing solely on our own comfort and happiness while turning a blind eye to things like community care.
What we’re talking about here is conscious decision making, instead of compromising on our boundaries or values from a place of habit, or a place of fear.
So, one way to find the line that separates healthy compromise in a relationship from giving too much might be to ask yourself:
What are my highest values?
What do my needs, capacity, and boundaries look like in this moment, or season of life?
What decision would allow me to be in alignment with those things, EVEN if it involves the short term discomfort of letting someone down?
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4 Questions to Help You Determine When a Compromise in Any Relationship is Asking Too Much of You
if you’re still having trouble finding that line, I want to leave you with four questions you can use any time you’re struggling with this. These are questions that will help you look at whatever compromise you’re facing from a few different angles, and decide whether it might be asking too much of you.
You might use these questions in quiet conversation with yourself the next time you’re faced with a compromise that gives you pause, or you might use them as journaling prompts to explore your hesitations more deeply.
Question 1:
If I agree to this, would I be ignoring my intuition in order to preserve the harmony?
Be wary of any favor or gesture that requires you to quiet your inner knowing or ignore a strong reaction you’re experiencing, in order to avoid a conflict or show your support for someone else.
Question 2:
If I agree to this, would I be relying on the hope that it’ll eventually feel ok?
Sometimes if a decision isn’t sitting well, we tell ourselves that we’ll ‘come around’ or that it’ll be easier once we get ‘used to it.’ If you’re uneasy now, honor your inner knowing and give that feeling some real consideration, before you move forward.
Question 3:
If I agree to this, would I be letting someone else’s priorities or values be the architect of my life?
This question is a great way to consider whose needs are driving the bus, and to what extent. If this is a compromise you can make without getting pulled away from your deeper values and sense of identity, great! But if that gives you pause, or if any part of you senses that someone else’s needs or priorities are becoming the scaffolding on which you’re building a life, I’d encourage you not to just gloss over that.
Question 4:
If I agree to this, would I be using logic to discredit what my gut is telling me?
For me personally, it’s a big red flag when I catch myself trying to use detached logic to strong-arm my gut into submission. Take note of how hard you’re having to fight, to talk yourself into this thing.
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Whatever you choose, know this: situations that call for compromise will continue to show up across our relationships – sometimes we’ll need to bend, and other times we’ll need to dig deep to find our roots and hold our ground.
But something somewhere inside us knows when we’re being asked to give too much.
Our job is to pay attention, to honor that voice, and to remember that love or loyalty alone are not reasons enough to make every concession that’s asked of us.
Also, bear in mind: if you’re not used to pushing back or being especially assertive, healthy compromise might feel like conflict at first! That’s ok. This will get easier and feel more natural with practice and patience — but not only is it your right to take up space in your relationships, it’s your responsibility too.
