Feeling Emotionally Drained in Your Relationships? 12 Ways to Protect Your Energy
As space-holders, helpers, and go-above-and-beyond-ers, we all know what it’s like to feel drained without any emotional energy left to give—even if we’re not totally sure how we got there.
I’ve been thinking a lot about about how easy it is to suddenly feel emotionally drained in relationships with others (especially as a recovering people-pleaser), and how to course-correct when we notice it happening—which is exactly what we’re going to get into here! Let’s start by zooming out a bit.
What are the common causes of feeling emotionally drained in relationships?
I know there are many of us who don’t fully identify with the “people pleaser” label, but still know somewhere deep down that we DO have a tendency to inconvenience ourselves in the name of making life easier (or at least, more comfortable) for others.
The gestures are usually small, and easy to discount. But cumulatively, they’re often the source of our exhaustion and burnout.
If you’re quietly nodding along and starting to wonder why it is we repeat this cycle over and over again, I want to pose this question:
How many times have you told yourself that with every favor you agree to, or every extra hassle you take on, or every time you drop everything to jump in and help... you’re cementing your value just a little bit more?
Many of us who identify as conflict avoiders, people-pleasers, and natural helpers carry around a quiet belief that in order to be loving and lovable, we should say yes as often as possible (with a smile, even!) to prove and retain our value.
And doing all those good deeds and nice gestures can create a false sense of security, as if they’re somehow guaranteeing we’ll be safe from ever being disliked, or rejected, or abandoned.
Those fears are not only valid, they’re understandable — especially if you learned in your childhood that you needed to earn affection, approval, and safety by being helpful or low-maintenance.
The bad news? The belief that we can use helpfulness to guarantee that we’ll never be hurt, disliked, or abandoned is an illusion. That’s not a deal we get to broker with the universe.
But there’s good news here too:
Your inherent worth isn’t a stock price. Your value doesn’t dip anytime you’re inconvenient, or needy, or disagreeable, or cranky, or unwilling, or unavailable.
In other words, being someone who's helpful, generous, and full of compassion doesn't mean you’re bound to offer up your time, energy, or help anytime someone asks for it. (Even if they're an important someone!) And it doesn't make you any less wonderful, generous, or compassionate when you don't.
You can be wildly, deeply compassionate — and still exercise choice and boundaries.
I love what Dr. Brené Brown says about compassionate people: "They say no when they need to, and when they say yes, they mean it."
The honest, loving ‘no' is an essential tool in every compassionate person's toolbox, and one that should be used freely. Not to be stingy, but to stay in integrity. Those ‘no’s make your ‘yes’s mean something.
So how can we prevent feeling emotionally drained in relationships, and/or recover when we do?
On paper, the logic is simple: warding off that emotionally-drained feeling is mainly about preventing energy leaks and believing that you have the right — the responsibility, even! — to do so. (If that last part made you furrow a brow, re-read the first part of this post!)
In theory, if you've got an emotional tank that you're filling regularly (via some combination of good sleep, nourishing food, healthy boundaries, joy and pleasure, white space where you need it, etc.) and no cracks in the exterior, that tank should stay full indefinitely! Use a little, replenish a little... all is well.
But in real life, energy leaks happen — often in subtle ways that we can't always pinpoint or patch up right away.
So the questions become:
How can we prevent and address those leaks? and…
What does that process look like, and how do we actually do it in real life?
The answers to those questions, of course, will look different for everyone, and will vary by situation — but there are some baseline strategies that may be helpful in a wide swath of scenarios.
Here are 12 practical strategies to prevent you from feeling emotionally drained in your relationships.
I've split this list of ideas into two buckets:
The first few will help you protect your energy reserves in your interactions with others, and help keep you from giving away too much of your energy to external sources. The second section of the list is more about your inner-work and how you might work with yourself to replenish your energy.
Collectively, these are some of my trusted tactics for interrupting some habits that may be draining your energy without you even realizing it.
Preserving and protecting your energy with others might look like:
01 | Saying 'no' when it feels like a 'no' in your body 🙅♀️
As they say, the body is wise. If you feel an internal tugging, twisting, or other sensations of resistance around something you're about to agree or commit to, honor that bodily wisdom. At the very least, I'd encourage you to sit with that feeling of resistance, and explore what it might be trying to tell you with a sense of curiosity.
02 | Pausing before you respond or commit ⏸
This is one of the most effective ways to break the pattern of habitually agreeing, committing, or volunteering to do something that may not be in service of your needs, or your highest good. A simple pause to check-in with yourself and what you need before you respond can go a long way.
03 | Letting the call go to voicemail ☎️
...or letting the request sit unanswered, or coming back to that email later when you're in the right headspace to respond. You get the idea. Being a loving friend/partner/relative doesn't require you to be available at all times. Particularly if you know you need a certain amount of alone time to recharge, be mindful of your capacity to engage — and let that inform how, whether, and when you respond.
04 | Speaking up about your needs, wants, and limitations 🗣
I remember what a lightbulb moment it was for me when I realized that speaking up on behalf of myself doesn't always have to feel like putting up a fight or starting something. Sometimes it really is about sharing helpful information that the other person(s) doesn't have. Remember — no one is a mind reader, no matter how much they love you. Sharing what you need, want, or prefer with clarity and kindness can be super empowering for you AND helpful for them, too.
05 | Not engaging, when you don't have the bandwidth 🚫
There's nuance involved here, of course. (This is not a permission slip to avoid hard conversations, simply because they make you nervous or uncomfortable.) But with this one, I think about the dream hampton quote that says: "Never waste your time trying to explain who you are to people who are committed to misunderstanding you.”
06 | Reaching out to someone who gives you energy 💕
When one situation or relationship is draining your energy, it may be worth considering whether there's someone in your life you could reach out to that would give you energy. Think about the people who make you feel seen, understood, safe, loved, light, and full of joy. Don't underestimate the restorative power of healthy connection — and still, it's also true that there may be times when true solitude is what you need to replenish your energy. Trust your gut.
Preserving and protecting your energy within yourself might look like:
01 | Trusting yourself and your resilience 💪
For me, worry and anxiety tend to be huge and constant energy leaks. When I catch myself worrying about the future or things beyond my control, I've been working hard to bring my focus back to trust: trust that if I find myself in a tough spot, I'll figure it out. Trust that I’m resilient enough to do hard things, and make it through challenging stuff. Trust in Future Me's capabilities and resilience.
02 | Trusting others to find their own solutions ✨
Sometimes we're so quick to help, commit, or volunteer because we believe (or want to believe...) that we're needed. To that end, it can be a huge fundamental shift to double down on your trust in others: to problem-solve, to find their own solutions, to lean on other sources of support within their community, to navigate hardship, and to rescue themselves. Not only can this release a ton of pressure, it can also deepen our levels of respect and connection with the people in our lives.
03 | Using breath to soothe your nervous system 💨
Breath may sound simple, fluffy, or ineffective — but the truth is, it's one of the most powerful tools we have to soothe our nervous system and quell anxiety. Plus, it's always available to you! Focus on deep, slow, and steady inhales and exhales to bring yourself back into you body and find a sense of groundedness.
04 | Reconnecting with nature 🍃
The outdoors are full of restorative medicine. Stepping outside for some vitamin D, taking a walk, adding some plants to your space, getting your hands in the dirt, and feeling your bare feet in grass or earth are all great ways to slow down and reconnect with nature — all of which can be wonderfully grounding and energetically restorative.
05 | Creating a sanctuary space, and retreating to it ☕️
Consider how you might create an established place where you know you can always step away for rest, solitude, or even just a reliable change of energy and scenery. This doesn't have to be fancy! It could look like a porch swing, a cozy chair, a quiet corner of your bedroom, a shady part of your yard, or (if you're like me lately) a spot on the floor near your living room widow. Use this space when you need to step away, change things up, and recenter.
06 | Stepping away from screens 📱
This one has been at the top of my own list of energy leaks lately. It's self explanatory, but worth repeating: screens can be stimulating... but after a while, they start to drain the soul. Consider stepping away when things start to feel foggy, overwhelming, draining, or otherwise 'meh', You might try taking a shower, going for a walk, reading a book, taking a rest, or trying other other things on this list!
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Feel free to return to this list often, and adapt it for your life and your needs as you see fit. Here's to all of us becoming more conscious and intentional about how and where we invest your energy, on our terms!
