These Four Myths About Conflict are Probably Adding Stress to Your Life
Raise your hand if you've ever softened (or swallowed) something you wanted to say, so you could avoid a conflict.
I've done it more times than I can count.
In college, I remember a friend telling me once that I was like a 'social chameleon'. It felt like a compliment, and on some level, it resonated! The subtext was: "You're a pro at adapting, and going with the flow. And people like that about you."
The words stuck with me. I brought them with me when I moved to the east coast after graduation, and started forging new relationships as a post-college adult. Moving cross-country and starting a new life was overwhelming enough, and the challenge of making new friends and navigating my first 'real' relationship in a new place felt extra-high stakes.
I couldn't afford to mess up new relationships, or give people reasons to not like me. So when disagreement loomed, I learned to double down on my chameleon ways.
Adapt. Blend in. Don't make waves. People like that about you.
If you equate being likable with being easygoing, then of course you'll work hard to avoid conflict and rocking the boat!
And it's no wonder you feel like a deer in headlights, or scramble to smooth things over whenever conflict rears its head. It makes total sense.
Conflict gets a bad rap: it's unpleasant, and it disrupts harmony. But more than that, it feels like a threat to our relationships.
So over time, we learn tricks for keeping conflict at bay and maintaining the harmony we love so much. We learn to do things like:
minimize our own opinions
go along with the crowd
resolve conflicts in our own minds, instead of with the people involved
adopt other people's wants and needs as our own, to smooth things over and restore the peace.
But, is biting your tongue or burying your needs actually helping anyone?
Many of us fall into this trap of believing that relationships are fragile. We believe they run more smoothly when we minimize our wants and needs to keep the peace... so we avoid confrontation and conflict whenever possible. Because we'd rather be a team player than a 'needy' or 'selfish' person, we delay or bury the things we really wish we could say to preserve harmony.
But I think we've got it wrong.
The truth is, a healthy relationship can't be a one-way street. It doesn't work unless all parties are willing to take up space, show up honestly, and use their voices to help shape it.
Any relationship worth holding onto won't ask you to make yourself or your voice smaller for it to get stronger.
Ask yourself: in any dynamic with another person, where is it written that your role is to stay agreeable and flexible, while others set the course? What might change if you saw yourself as a copilot? What if showing up over and over and over with honesty, sincerity, and bravery was your ultimate responsibility?
Suddenly, the ground-rules and the dynamic shift. Suddenly, a willingness to speak up or disagree isn't something to apologize for; it's a signal that you’re holding up your end of the deal, and doing your job well.
As for avoiding conflict... the fears and stress we feel around this stuff is both natural and understandable, given everything we've grown up believing about selfishness and conflict. But a lot of that can start to shift when we change the way we think about interpersonal dynamics, disagreement, and our responsibilities in any relationship.
Trying to avoid conflict is a losing battle. But reframing it as unavoidable — or even, as an opportunity! — can save you tons of stress in the long run.
Below are four common misconceptions about conflict that are almost certainly adding unnecessary stress to your life, plus some questions to help you flip the script and keep anxiety at bay.
Myth #1:
"It’s best to go with the flow."
This one is so ingrained in us, you might not even realize it’s there. And still... many of us have a deeply-held belief that speaking up with a need, or in disagreement, makes us an inconvenient squeaky wheel.
As long as we think of our default role as agreeable, doing or saying anything that falls outside that description will feel selfish or inconvenient. But it doesn't have to!
Instead, ask yourself:
"I make space for others’ needs and opinions all the time — why not show myself the same kindness?"
Myth #2:
"Sometimes it’s just easiest to let someone else win."
Aha! We’ve got a myth hiding within a myth here— sort of a Russian doll situation. The truth is, conflict doesn’t guarantee a winner and a loser. In fact, more voices sharing honestly often leads to better, more innovative solutions. Being willing weather the discomfort of speaking up honestly can be a huge first step toward finding a resolution that really, truly works for everyone.
Instead, ask yourself:
"What if being willing to disagree could lead to something better?"
Myth #3:
"If I get angry or too upset, it’ll hurt the relationship."
First: to feel angry or upset is to be human. And while it may seem like we need to stuff those things down to protect our relationships, avoiding the feelings without dealing with them just leads to more inner turmoil.
When you notice yourself feeling strong emotions like anger, there's a huge opportunity to see triggers as teachers, and get curious about what they're trying to tell you. ****To do this, you have to be willing to sit with those uncomfortable feelings long enough to poke at them and get curious about them, instead of stuffing them down and pushing them away. It's hard and it feels terrible at first, I know. But it's worth doing.
Instead, ask yourself:
"How can I show my uncomfortable feelings some love and attention? What are they trying to teach me?"
Myth #4:
"It’s noble to put someone else’s needs ahead of my own."
I want to shout this one from the rooftops: if you’re too focused on being agreeable and helpful... you’ll miss the chance to make choices (and really, build a life) that feels like your own. You’ve gotta be willing to put authenticity over likability. This is where it's critical to come back to your responsibilities in a relationship: being agreeable isn't in the job description, but being honest and doing your part to co-shape the relationship absolutely is.
Instead, ask yourself:
"If I knew there’d be no pushback: what would I say, do, or choose? What feels right for me?"
Let's recap the four key questions you can ask yourself the next time you feel tempted to go with the flow, avoid conflict, or wiggle your way out of an uncomfortable conversation:
I make space for others’ needs and opinions all the time — why not show myself the same kindness?
What if being willing to disagree could lead to something better?
How can I show my uncomfortable feelings some love and attention? What could they be trying to teach me?
If I knew there’d be no pushback: what would I say, do, or choose? What feels right for me?
Remember: disagreement and conflict are a necessary piece of any healthy relationship, and the discomfort that comes with that is unavoidable.
But one of the biggest kindnesses you can do for yourself and the people closest to you is to let your voice be heard — even when you don’t feel totally ready.
