A Powerful Way to Ease the Fear of Not Being Liked
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In my experience, there comes a point in the process of letting go of people-pleasing when a bigger fear kicks in—almost like a quiet identity crisis.
AND I KNOW, that’s a bit of an exaggeration. But what I’m talking about is that moment where some voices deep in the recesses of your mind pipes up with some version of:
“whoa whoa whoa, wait a minute... if I suddenly stop being the kind of person who people know they can always count on all the time, or if I stop being quite as easygoing as I’ve always been, and if I start being more honest and willing to push back... am I gonna lose that thing that makes me special?”
And I want to talk about that! Because frankly, I think it makes a lot of sense that you might be secretly asking that question.
If you’ve spent a lot of your life perfecting the art of subtly nudging other people’s wants and needs to the top of your list of priorities, jumping in to help, being a helper, and/or keeping other people comfortable, and then on top of that you’ve been rewarded and praised for how well you do these things... then OF COURSE you might have started to internalize the notion that that’s what makes you special, likable, and even who you are.
And if that’s all true, then it makes even more sense that you’d worry things might start to blow up or fall apart if you decide you no longer want to be that person all the time.
If being liked feels like part of your identity and proof of your value, then it makes perfect sense that the thought of not being liked would be terrifying.
So instead of getting too swept up in that fear, let’s gently start to unpack it, poke at it a bit, and get curious about it.
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How We See Ourselves, and What It Has to Do With Our Fear of Not Being Liked by Others
For many of us with a tendency to avoid conflict or tension, there's a strong underlying belief that it is our job to be nice all the time.
This harkens back to something we’ve talked about before regarding the “10 commandments of People Pleasing”—which are essentially a list of unspoken rules and expectations we quietly (and maybe even unconsciously!) hold ourselves to. It includes things like:
“I should never disappoint anyone or let others down” and
“I should always do what others want, expect, or need from me.”
As time goes on, and the more the quiet rules go on informing your behavior and how you show up in certain relationships, it’s not uncommon for "nice" to sort of find a home at the center of what Dr. Braiker calls your self-concept — which is how you see and understand yourself on a deeper ‘identity’ level.
And that cycle makes sense! Right?
You hold these quiet rules and expectations for yourself about how thoughtful, convenient, and helpful you should be... which then impacts the way you show up in your relationships... and then in all likelihood, people start to praise or reward you for how thoughtful, convenient, and helpful you... which reinforces the idea that that’s who you are, how others see you, and what they value about you... which only reinforces those rules and expectations for how you should go on behaving in the future.
Round and round we go.
What I want to call our attention to here is the price we pay when we place "niceness" (or other similar ideas like being "low maintenance" or "easy to love") near the center of identity.
When we glorify and over-identify with niceness, a tension starts to build between that pressure to uphold a certain level of niceness all the time, vs. some of those truer, deeper, what we might see as ‘pricklier’ parts of ourselves. They’re the parts we keep hidden, because they don’t live up to those “niceness” standards.
And when we fear that those pieces of who we are aren't going to be liked, approved of, or loved, we can end up repeating the cycle of prioritizing niceness and being liked above all else while hiding or deemphasizing the opinions, objections, needs, and desires we’ve deemed 'less palatable.'
In that sense, of course it might feel scary or off-limits to consider letting go of some of the “niceness” tendencies!
The more you attach your identity and your value to the idea of being 'nice', the more you may doubt whether the 'real you' is actually likable or lovable.
And in fact, you might even find that you sort of forget who the real you is over time, if the pressure to be nice has been driving you for long enough.
So what I want to do is help you explore what it can look like to de-emphasize nice within the context of your identity—and to find a way of seeing yourself that goes WAY beyond “nice.” This isn’t so much about building a new identity as it’s about doing some deep cleaning—dusting away the layer of “niceness” that’s built up on the surface of how you see yourself, so you can remember and re-engage with who you REALLY are when that pressure isn’t there.
There’s an even bigger invitation here, to begin the process of accepting that it’s okay not to be nice all the time. And I I know that that might sound both kind of like condescendingly simple, but also a little bit revolutionary. It reminds me of an excerpt I love from Glennon Doyle’s book Untamed, where she says:
“Every time you're given a choice between disappointing someone else and disappointing yourself, your duty is to disappoint that someone else. Your job throughout your entire life, is to disappoint as many people as it takes to avoid disappointing yourself.” — Glennon Doyle
And if that sounds conveniently simple, I get it. But I’d wager a guess that if you were to let that statement wash over you, and really sit with the questions like:
How true does it feel for you that you always need to be nice to people?
What has that cost you up until now?
And how interested are you in finding a different way forward?
What, if anything, then makes you nervous about doing things differently?
…it might bring up more than you expect, and/or it might ring truer than you realized.
And that’s ok! Because in this next section, we’re going to explore how to flesh out and reestablish a sense of self that’s built on something richer, deeper, and more interesting and authentic than simply being universally likable. And we’ll do this with the help of some reflection/exploration prompts.
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4 Journal Exercises to Help You Rewrite How You See Yourself and Ease Your Fear of Not Being Liked
I suggest grabbing a journal, a notebook, or even opening up the Notes app on your phone for this section. I’m going to walk you through four journal prompts that’ll help you flesh out that truer, richer sense of identity that reaches beyond “niceness.”
These first two prompts are about letting go of the pressure to always be nice.
Many of us feel a quiet sense of responsibility to be as nice as possible, whenever possible. But as we’ve established, ‘nice’ often comes at a price. These questions will help you begin the process of accepting that it’s ok NOT to be nice all the time, and explore other richer and more meaningful parts of your identity.
01 » REFLECT: how true does it feel for you that it’s your job to be nice all the time? And how do you feel about that?
This is where you might explore whether and how this belief shows up for you in various relationships—and I’d suggest paying particular attention to the relationships where this question maybe gives you a twinge of discomfort. What has that cost you up until now? How interested are you in finding another way forward? What, if anything, makes you nervous about doing things differently?
Once you’ve gotten all the thoughts and feelings out of your head with that one...
02 » BRAINSTORM: Come up with at least ten words or phrases that feel central to who you are and what makes you you—without falling back on the word (or the idea!) of niceness.
Do you take pride in being deeply creative? Maybe you’re highly resourceful, or an excellent problem solver? Maybe you’re hilarious and witty, or super well-read, maybe you have an awesome sense of adventure, or you’re a deeply contemplative soul, or your sense of style is top-notch. Remember, you’re aiming for at least 10 words/phrases here.
And here’s a fun twist for this prompt: if you get stuck, or if you’re really struggling to come up with 10, invite in other voices!
This can be really, really sweet and eye-opening. Try asking a few folks you feel close to and who you trust for some words that describe you. The important thing to remember here is that YOU get to choose which words you want to carry forward with you.
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These next two prompts are more forward-facing, and will help you look to the future.
03 » ENVISION: Think about the person you’re becoming as you do the work to let go of people-pleasing tendencies, and list at least 10 words or phrases that describe that person.
Bring to mind this new version of you who sets boundaries with ease, and lovingly chooses how and where they want to invest their energy and time without abandoning themself. (If this feels hard, it may also help to think of someone you know and admire who does this well.)
Now describe that person using 10 or more words, again without using the word (or the concept of) ‘nice.’
04 » REVIEW: Compare the two lists, and choose a handful of meaningful, resonant words to carry forward with you.
Notice where your two lists differ, and where they overlap. Then choose which words or phrases you want to focus on and embody, as you begin to rewrite some of your people pleasing patterns. List the words you want to carry forward. You might even find somewhere prominent to keep it, so you can see and feel inspired by them often.
Now that you have this new list of words, ask yourself: what would it look like to start embodying the person you want to be, who’s free from the obligation to please or be ‘nice’ all the time?
You may consider meditating with the words, journaling about them, or writing them on a post-it somewhere prominent. Then, next time you’re in a tough spot — instead of going to a default place of trying to be nice, you can choose to focus on embodying these new words instead.
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Closing Thoughts: Letting People See and Know the Real You is a Gift 🎁
There’s one last seed I want to plant, especially if the idea of letting go of niceness feels really hard or like it’s part of who you are. If that resonates, there’s a reframe I’d like to offer for your consideration:
What if prioritizing niceness this whole time has been creating a barrier that prevents people from having the opportunity—the PLEASURE!—of getting to see and know the real, whole you?
What if niceness has been a mask—and by removing that mask, you could do something incredibly kind and brave by allowing people to really see and know you?
That’s not to say it’ll always feel easy, or that you’ll never run into hiccups or pushback. But the truth is, you, your essence, and your worth are SO much greater and more interesting than just generic palatability or niceness.
And letting the people in your midst get to see and feel that—and maybe even leading by example and inspiring them to follow suit!—might be the most generous thing you can do.
