How to Ask for What You Need in a Relationship, With a Simple Script to Help

Asking for what you need in a relationship — it sounds so simple, doesn’t it? So obvious and straightforward.

But the thing is, we rarely think of it in these terms. So often this challenge shows up more in the form of “why do I always feel so drained after spending time with so-and-so?” or “why does this thing have to be such a big deal to bring up with this person?”

When there’s an unmet need in an important relationship, that relationship starts to feel strained. And when the need continues to go unaddressed, that same feeling of strain starts to expand, and amplify, and bleed into other aspects of the relationship.

All the more reason to nip these things in the bud, right? Usually, it starts with a conversation. But, how?

How do I make sure I’m being honest, without being harsh? How do I say what I mean clearly, without getting blame-y? But then, how I do I make sure I’m assertive enough?

If that feels overwhelming, not to worry! There are ways to make this whole thing feel less stressful, and more manageable.

Let’s look at how to ask for what you need in a relationship clearly and directly, and what it looks like to navigate these types of conversations—including a way you can structure your approach and how to actually say what you want to say.

A 5 Part Script to Help You Ask for What You Need in Any Relationship

What we're about to walk through is a simple framework — you might even think of it as sort of a MadLibs style approach, or a flexible script.

We’ll call it the BLOOM framework (because honestly, how could I not use that acronym?!) and it’s intended to give structure to what might feel like a disorienting conversation. And not just any structure—a structure that allows you to forge connection, name your needs, honor their agency, and invite collaboration.

The B.L.O.O.M. framework lends structure to an otherwise disorienting or overwhelming conversation—structure that allows you to forge connection, name your needs, honor their agency, and invite collaboration.

The framework has five parts:

• BRANCH (as in, olive branch)

• LABEL your feeling

• OPEN up

• OWN your ask

• MAKE it specific

Let's take a closer look at each of those five pieces in a little bit more depth. And for the sake of clarity and making this all feel a little more tangible, let's use a specific scenario as an example throughout this whole exercise: 

For our example scenario: Imagine you have a friend or a partner who you've been venting to about your frustrations at work, and they tend to give lots of unsolicited advice—and that’s been feeling frustrating.

So using that as our example, let's jump right in! 

B is for Branch — as in, an olive branch 🕊

Think of this as a way to invite someone into the conversation, either by helping them feel seen in some way or at least giving them a reason to engage with you. Keep it simple and, most importantly, sincere.

Some examples of what this might sound like:

• "I really appreciate that you care about me and want to help me solve my problems."

• "It means a lot to me that I know I can talk to you after I've had a rough day at work.” 

L is for Label — as in, label (or name) the feeling 🏷

Name how you feel, clearly and directly. This might be more of a direct style of communication than you're used to, but it's really important in the interest of clarity and understanding. Remember to use “I” language here, and to avoid accusatory “you” language.

Some examples of what this might sound like:

• I sometimes feel frustrated when you immediately start offering me solutions to the things I share with you.”

• “I've been feeling lonely after our conversations sometimes, when I share things that I'm struggling with and you start trying to fix them.”

One other important note here: avoid starting this part of the conversation using the word “but.”

When people hear that word, we immediately forget or disregard everything that came before it—even though you opened the conversation with something really nice and sincere. My advice would be to just omit it entirely.

O is for Open Up 💡

This could mean opening up in a more vulnerable way, or it could mean figuratively ‘opening up the curtain’ to shed more light on the full picture of what's happening below the surface.

A note: if you know you're an over-explainer by nature, this step might not be necessary for you—so use your judgment. The thing to keep in mind is that this step isn't about backpedaling or providing justification for the feeling you just shared. Instead, it’s about adding clarity or visibility in a way that increases your odds of reaching a new level of understanding.

Some examples of what this might sound like:

• “I can see how this might not be obvious to you, but when I come to you and vent, what I actually want is to feel like you're on my team.”

• “I know it might seem like I'm asking for solutions in those moments, but actually, hearing solutions usually feels overwhelming when I'm already feeling stressed.”

O is for Own — as in, Own Your Ask 💪

This is about sharing what you want or need moving forward, as clearly as you can. And while it might feel counterintuitive, painting them a clear picture of what they can do to better meet your needs is actually an act of kindness!

Some examples of what this might sound like:

• “Next time, I'd really love for you to listen to my pain or frustration without trying to fix it.”

• “Instead, what would be helpful is if you'd ask me in real-time what I want or need.”

M is for Make it Specific 🔎

The clearer you can be about what you want or need, the better! And examples can really help fill in those gaps.

Some examples of what this might sound like:

• "Things like ‘That sounds really frustrating’ or ‘I’m here for you’ would feel really supportive to me in those moments."

• "So for example, I'd love to be asked, 'are you looking for solutions, or a listening ear right now?'”

Depending on how the conversation unfolds, this could also be a nice time to brainstorm or co-create ideas together of what this could look like in practice.

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This Script is the Beginning, Not the End

Remember, this isn’t a monologue; this is where a dialogue starts!

It might feel good at this point to check in with the other person, knowing that you just did a lot of talking, to ask what’s coming up for them or even just give them some space to process and respond. Trust your gut about what feels right in the moment.

A word of both warning and encouragement: it will take time to get comfortable with this new approach, and to make it your own. You’ll almost certainly experience setbacks, and moments of frustration. Things won’t always go as planned.

With practice and patience, your resilience muscle will only get stronger — and that’s so much more meaningful than getting a ‘perfect’ outcome in any one interaction or relationship. 

You'll find your way, find your voice, and find new ways of showing up in conversation that feel like you AND honor your right to take up space.
 

Things to Keep in Mind As You’re Preparing to Ask for What You Need in a Relationship
 

✅ Set the scene for success

Choose your turf and your timing mindfully, with the understanding that this will mean different things to different people and different situations.

Then, when you do sit down to start this conversation, it can be helpful to set clear expectations up front. Don’t be afraid to ask directly for the chance to say what you need to say uninterrupted, if that’s what you need.

Relatedly, consent is an important part of the equation. Depending on the specifics of your situation, rather than blindsiding someone or catching them off guard, I'd suggest starting things off with something simple like "do you have a minute to talk about something that's been on my mind?" or "is this a good time to chat about XYZ?"

✅  Practice!

The more you practice bringing up uncomfortable topics, the more you’ll build up that muscle! Like most things, it gets easier with time and repetition.

✅  Experiment + Play

Treat this framework as guidance, NOT hard-and-fast rules. Trust your gut if you feel like you want to play with the phrasing, or move things around a bit, etc.

✅  Focus on What’s Yours to Control

Keep in mind: we can’t control how others react to what we say. All we can do is approach these conversations using the timing, tone, mindset, and language that are in integrity for us. Beyond that, it’s best to release expectations.

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