How to Set Healthy Boundaries with More Ease and Confidence (and Why it Matters)
How does the phrase “no limits” make you feel?
At first glance, there’s probably something liberating about it. (Total freedom! No rules! Endless possibilities!) But at least for me, having limitless space and options can quickly start to feel daunting. The vastness of that space can feel big and overwhelming, and depending on the context, maybe even unsafe.
Here’s an example:
Imagine being handed a pen and a blank piece of paper, and being told to “write about whatever you want.” No limits, no rules, just blank paper and endless potential. I can’t speak for you, but I feel like a deer in headlights just imagining that scenario. I can feel myself tensing up.
Now instead, imagine being asked to “write about a person you admire, and why.” Suddenly there’s a container to work within, an invitation to get comfortable, and a cue to spread out and explore the space.
Having some outer boundaries to bump up against can help us exhale, and feel like we have a safe space to explore and work within.
And the same is true in our relationships.
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What do healthy boundaries look like?
I love how Randi Buckley defines boundaries: "Boundaries are the infrastructure for your life and relationships.”
While the topic of boundaries might feel big and unwieldy or bring up some resistance, one way I’ve found it’s helpful to reframe boundaries is to think of them in terms of control.
We don’t get to control or change what other people say and do (as much as we might like to) but we DO get to decide how we respond, where our limits are, and what does and doesn’t work for us. In fact, we have a responsibility to ourselves and the people we love to clearly and honestly define our personal ground rules, so that everyone is on the same page in terms of what is and isn’t ok.
In that sense: the act of setting boundaries is like creating the container inside of which you can exist safely, and in integrity.
During a closet clean-out a while back, I was flipping through some old journals and I came across a note I’d scribbled down after a therapy session years ago. My therapist had told me about a book she was reading, The Paris Wife, within the context of our conversation about setting boundaries in my then-relationship. The book is a fictional account told from the perspective of Hadley Richardson, Ernest Hemingway’s (real) first wife, that offers Hadley’s point of view during the ups and downs of their marriage.
She mentioned a particular passage from the book that stood out to her:
“Ernest once told me that the word ‘paradise’ was a Persian word that meant ‘walled garden’. I knew then that he understood how necessary the promises we made to each other were to our happiness. You couldn't have real freedom unless you knew where the walls were and tended to them. We could lean on the walls because they existed; they existed because we leaned on them.”
In case you’re curious (I was!), the internet confirms that the word ‘paradise’ does, in fact, have Old Iranian origins that referred at one time to the expansive walled gardens of the first Persian empire. Isn’t that fantastic? A wink from etymology, and a hint that having some outer walls creates the container inside of which goodness and beauty can thrive.
Knowing where the boundaries are in our relationships breeds trust and security, making it easier to be brave within the safety of those walls.
Finding and defining your boundaries
More than anything, establishing and defining healthy boundaries is about sovereignty and personal agency.
It’s a process that will take time, and the truth is your boundaries will evolve and shift over time — meaning this is lifelong work. But the first and most important part of that process is really realizing that you aren’t beholden to comply with every request, or say yes to every favor, or earn your lovability through favors and service.
You’ve probably spent much of your life making space for other people’s wants, needs, and preferences, and you’re probably really good at it. But don’t confuse a skill for an obligation, or a responsibility.
This is about finally allowing your wants, needs, joy, and limitations to take up space in your relationships — and advocating for them even when it’s not what others want to hear.
It starts with pausing, digesting, and deciding where your outer walls are, and what those outer limits look like for you. A few questions that might help you start to do this:
How do I want to respond to this thing that was just asked of me?
What feels like a yes in my body, and what feels like a no?
Have I reached capacity? How much bandwidth do I have, and where do I want to (invest) it?
What would I say if I knew my words wouldn't disappoint or upset someone else?
Learning what your boundaries looks like takes time, so don’t expect to have it all figured out at once. Going back to the blank page example from earlier, trying to come up with a list of your boundaries on the spot will probably give you a case of blank-page-blinking-cursor anxiety.
If you find it hard to pinpoint your boundary, try starting with your outermost, no-brainer “definite no” and work inward from there.
Finding the things you know for sure don’t work you can start to give you some OUTER-outer boundaries, and from there you can start to explore the space between them to find your ‘yes’s.
Dealing with the discomfort of setting boundaries
There’s no getting around it: sometimes doing what’s right for you will mean disappointing others.
Having to deliver unpopular news can bring up guilt, and make you second guess whether you’re doing the right thing. Am I being difficult? Am I making this into a bigger deal than I should be? Should I just suck it up? Am I just being selfish?
In those moments of doubt, we could all use a little reassurance that we’re making the right call. Below are four mini pep talks from me to you, for those moments when you need them most. You can use these to:
Do a quick gut check when you feel doubt
Get re-grounded in your sense of self
Journal and dig deeper into what you need
Give yourself permission to do or say something that scares you
4 Pep Talks for When You Need to Set a Boundary or Say Something Unpopular
MINI PEP TALK #1:
Any time you set a boundary, you deepen your self-trust.
Each boundary you set is a reminder that you have your own back, and proof that you’re building an intentional fence around the garden that is your life. As Danielle LaPorte says: "Open, gentle heart. Big f*cking fence."
MINI PEP TALK #2:
Your choices aren’t supposed to match up with everyone else’s.
As long as you follow your own compass, your decisions will look different than others’. That’s a cue that you’re doing it right! Being willing to let people down in support of yourself is the work; it’s how you forge a path and build a life that’s your own.
MINI PEP TALK #3:
If guilt is your only hesitation, you’re on the right track.
We’ve all felt awful having to let someone down... but guilt alone isn’t a great reason to agree to something. If you’re about to say ‘yes’ out of resignation or guilt, it’s a cue to pause and reevaluate. But if that guilt is your only hesitation, you’re probably headed in the right direction.
MINI PEP TALK #4:
You can do hard things.
The truth is, doing what it takes to find alignment and create harmony in your inner world will mean doing difficult things — but you have the resilience to do it. If you’re feeling afraid, you’re doing it right. And you’re doing great.
final Thoughts
Keep in mind, you might not know where those limits are until you run right up against them — and that’s ok! Be willing to experiment, and give yourself permission to shift the boundaries as you need to.
AND…. be willing to trust that you’ve found your limit when your inner compass starts giving you those cues — and then be willing to communicate those things unapologetically to the people you love (even when it’s super hard to do so).
There’s absolutely still room for empathy and connection in those conversations; but remember: there’s no need to apologize, to back down, or to soften your personal boundaries to satisfy or accommodate anyone else.
You don’t need to earn your value, your lovability, or your worthiness through acts of shrinking or betraying yourself.
