Should I Say Something, or Let it Go? Here's How to Decide.
There's a lot that goes into having to have a hard conversation with an important person in your life.
It often starts with the question of, “how do I even know if bringing this thing up is the right choice here? Should I say something, or just let it go?”
Why It’s So Hard to Tell When It’s Worth Saying Something (vs. When It Isn’t)
If you find yourself asking this question a lot, my guess is you’re a sensitive being. (Same here.) And for as tender and challenging as it can be to move through this life as a sensitive person, it also comes with a lot of gifts.
One of those gifts is that uncanny, almost magical ability to read the room: to detect tension, to understand what's going on and what people need, and to know how to preempt some of that awkwardness or discord. You can see it coming from a mile away—almost like magic!—and you’re a master at smoothing over those hiccups and keeping things flowing harmoniously.
The thing is, if this all feels true for you, you might’ve also internalized the idea that your natural abilities are somehow linked to your identity, and even your value.
Personally, I’ve been good at this kind of conflict-prevention and smoothing-over stuff for basically my whole life. And because of those gifts and the years of positive reinforcement I've gotten for keeping things running smoothly in my relationships, it's almost always felt safer and more natural to play the role of smoother-over-er or of someone who listens than it did to raise my hand and be heard.
And so, understandably, many of us learn to master the art of biting our tongues and keeping from rocking the boat.
If you’re used to being someone who doesn’t rock the boat, it can safer and more natural to play the role of smoother-over-er or someone who listens than it does to raise your hand and be heard.
The Trouble with Living in Conflict-Prevention Mode
When this pattern repeats itself over and over again—when we’ve built up a habit of focusing first and foremost on scanning for and preventing potential conflicts—we can grow accustomed to living in what I like to call conflict-prevention mode. And living in conflict-prevention mode makes it tough to gauge with any real honesty when it’s truly the right time to speak up and advocate for our own joy, desires, boundaries, or needs.
If we're not used to making those things visible or letting them take up space in our relationships, the idea of letting your truth be heard, might feel really uncomfortable. It might really scare you. And if that’s true for you, know that it's a completely normal and reasonable way to feel! But here's something that I also invite you to consider:
Feeling seen and heard is the bedrock of meaningful connection.
In fact, I'd go as far as to say that meaningful connection relies on us having both the tools and the willingness to be seen and heard, even the parts of us that we'd rather keep hidden.
I want that type of freedom for you. And I want it for me too.
Learning to Trust When It’s (Truly) the Right Time to Speak Up
Let's talk about some ways to build up that ability to detect and trust ourselves to know when it is the right time to say something, so that conflict-prevention mode doesn't wind up holding us hostage.
First, I want to emphasize that detection and self-trust go hand in hand. Learning to be someone who uses their voice with clarity and self-assuredness isn't about speaking up all the time, or hogging the mic, or even using your voice with tons of force and power.
Instead, it's about deeply trusting yourself to know when you have the capacity to go with the flow or soften some of those boundaries, when to stand firm, and how to tell which one is in integrity for you at any given time so that when you do choose to soften those boundaries, it's coming from a place of true willingness and openness without any of that secret resentment building up.
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6 Gut-Check Questions to Help You Decide When to Speak Up vs. When to Let It Go
While there's no one magic formula that’ll tell you for sure whether you should say something or just let it go, these questions can help you make that determination on a case by case basis, and find the answer that’s in integrity for you.
01 | What do you feel in your body?
Even before you consciously realize there's a conversation you may or may not need to have, these things tend to start with a physical sensation.
Start by noticing: what does it feel like in your body when there's something on your mind (or your heart) that may need to become a conversation? Is it a tightness in your chest? Is it twisting in your gut? Is it a lump in your throat? Is that a quickening of your pulse or heart rate?
These feelings may be indicators that something's out of alignment for you in a significant way. (And if that’s the case, no wonder you’re having a noticeable response to that misalignment!)
Once you start noticing that physically-activated state and what it feels like for you, the next thing to pay attention to is what happens next.
Do you quickly start rationalizing the situation, or talking yourself down from speaking up? Do you start mentally rattling off all the reasons why this isn't worth the hassle or how it's just going to blow up and turn into some big thing?
Building that awareness of what goes on in your body and how your brain tends to react will help you be in a much better position to decide how you want to respond in those moments instead, in a way that both honors yourself and the other person(s) involved.
02 | Are you trying to choose between staying by your own side vs. keeping the peace?
If you're faced with a choice and you're considering the one where you abandon yourself in order to keep the relationship running smoothly, that's definitely something to look at more closely.
You might start by simply getting curious: What am I really afraid of here? How likely is it that my fear will come true? If it did, how could I support myself and/or call on outside support to help me get through it? (Hint: these questions also make great journal prompts!)
03 | How big or important does this topic feel to you?
Is this something that’s affecting you physically, seeping into other relationships, or affecting your sleep? These could all be cues that there's something significant going on that's worth mentioning.
04 | What might you stand to gain from saying something?
It's often easier to anticipate all the ways a conversation could go wrong, but don't let that stop you from considering possible benefits, too. What would it mean for you if things went right here? What do you stand to gain, and what would that mean to you?
05 | How likely is this to become a pattern if you don’t speak up?
And if it does, what are the emotional implications of that for you psychologically? How would your willingness to speak up change if you knew this same issue would pop up again in the future? I find that these questions usually help me spot the times when I’m using delay tactics to avoid a conversation that I know deep down is worth having.
06 | How likely is this conversation to be safe and productive?
When it comes to tough conversations, my general rule is: if the 'bothered' feeling keeps popping up, if I'm clear about my stance, my ask, and my expectations, and if I feel psychologically safe, it's probably worth a conversation. And if I can't check all three of those boxes, it may be time to explore other ways of getting my needs met.
