Tired of the Fear of Speaking Up in Relationships? This Is For You.
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🎙 🎧 Prefer to listen to the podcast version of this article? You’re in luck! You can either press ‘play’ on the episode below, or queue up this episode up in your podcast player of choice by searching for the show, Let’s Talk it Through. Enjoy!
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For many of us, our fear of speaking up in any relationship has a whole lot to do with the unspoken (and maybe even unconscious!) beliefs and expectations we carry.
Many of us move through our relationships holding onto a quiet belief that when we ruffle feathers instead of going with the flow, it’s in conflict with how we “should” be showing up. And if that’s the belief you’ve been holding onto, then no wonder you might feel guilty or apologetic on those occasions when you DO choose to speak up or create some friction!
But this is where I want us to get curious, and revisit that assumption with a more critical eye.🧐
Let’s explore how this belief about what’s ‘allowed’ may be contributing to your fear of speaking up in relationships, and how you might start to shift that pattern!
Specifically there are two big questions we’re going to address to help with this:
Where does that belief come from? and,
How true is it, really?
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Where the Fear of Speaking Up in Your Relationships Comes From, and Why It Feels So Hard 😩
The premise of this entire article is that speaking up honestly or directly about something that’s going on with us that feels like it might create friction or conflict feels HARD—especially when we’re unsure or nervous about how speaking up in that way is going to go over.
And the first point I want to make about that is: it’s absolutely valid and normal for that to be your experience! There’s nothing fundamentally weird or wrong about feeling that hesitation or discomfort—and in fact, it’s further evidence of your attunement and the thoughtfulness with which you move through the world.
At the same time, those same feelings of discomfort or hesitation might also reveal some of the assumptions and expectations you’re carrying around with you.
I’ve written before about Dr. Harriet Braiker’s Ten Commandments of People Pleasing, which are the quiet rules and expectations that many of us hold for ourselves in relationship with others—things like “I should never pose an inconvenience” or “I should always do what’s in my power to be helpful”.
And so when it comes to speaking your mind more often and why it’s so challenging to do so, many of us bump up against these types of unspoken rules that tell us being honest and direct is an imposition, or somehow a violation of the unspoken rules of the game. And that quiet assumption is exactly what can make these types of conversations feel nerve-wracking.
Take a moment to ask yourself honestly: how true is it that your hopes and expectations in close relationships include things like agreement, harmony at all times, and lack of conflict?
So then in those instances when your desires or your values or your needs are in conflict with the needs or preferences of the people you’re close to... how true is it that you feel yourself tense up—possibly because the story playing in your head is that you’re imposing, doing something out of line, or you’re causing a problem?
For many of us, that moment — that “uh oh” moment when we spot the gap or the chasm between our own desires/needs/expectations/preferences and another person’s — is when we tell ourselves we’re in violation. That we’re somehow breaking the rules by disrupting the order, and we’re breaking our unspoken relational contracts by making waves or causing friction.
My goal is not to be overly simplistic or reductive.
What I’m getting at is an honest question of whether some part of you is aiming for 0% conflict in your relationships (or close to it)—and then using that as some kind of barometer for how good a friend, spouse, colleague, or child you are.
And that’s a question only you can know the answer to. But if that IS the case, or if it’s at least true that you’re holding yourself to the bar of a very low percentage of friction or conflict, my next question is: how likely is it that you’ll succeed?
And… how much room does that leave you to be who you really are?
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Turning Your Fear of Speaking up in Relationships Into Something More Empowering
I think many of us are capable of doing a special kind of mental gymnastics where we somehow expect and allow for other people to have needs, inconvenient preferences, specific desires, etc. and we’re often even prepared to adapt or accommodate them—and yet, we don’t hold those same allowances for ourselves. It’s something that’s reserved for other people.
And so, the paradigm shift I’d like to introduce for your consideration here is that a willingness to speak up, or express a dissenting view, or ask for something inconvenient, or disappoint someone with your honest answer is all, in fact, included in the job description.
What if taking up that uncomfortable space was actually proof that you’re pulling your weight and showing up with integrity?
What if that was a profoundly kind thing to do, and maybe even your responsibility?
Up until now, it's very possible that these specific versions of speaking up and making waves have felt like the kinds of things you need to apologize for, or like they require some explanation or justification if you’re going to rock the boat.
But if you think about any relationship or conversation as a two way exchange, I want you to ask yourself, where is it written that it's your role to stay agreeable and flexible, while it's other people's role to set the course with their wants, needs, or preferences?
What might change then, if you started to see yourself as more of a copilot, or a co-creator in each of these relationships? A role where your job—your literal responsibility—is to play an active role in helping to shape the relationship by showing up with the fullness of who you are in any given moment?
What if showing up over and over again with honesty with clarity with bravery was actually the ultimate sign that you were engaged in that relationship and holding up your end of the deal, rather than something to apologize for?
Through this lens, suddenly we can start to understand that willingness or that ability to speak up or disagree as something that doesn’t automatically require apology.
It becomes a signal that you're pulling your weight, that you're doing your job, that you're invested and doing the work. And by that logic, the name of the game in relationship with others starts to shift, too: it’s no longer about avoiding conflict, and more about staying engaged and in-integrity. Not trying to hide from some of those hard conversations, and not minimizing what's true for you—even when it makes the waters choppy, even when it creates some friction.
The big shift here is in rewriting the big goal in how we show up: instead of aiming for agreement, it’s about striving to stay in integrity.
And I think that that's a huge shift for many of us. But I think it can be a really empowering one, too—and one that opens up a lot of possibilities for how we engage and what does (and doesn’t) feel off-limits when it comes to how we communicate.
That's not to say that conflict won't still feel uneasy or uncomfortable. In fact, it's really important to hold space for those feelings when they do come up—because they will, and that’s ok. That's where having the tools and the resilience to navigate and weather those difficult conversations makes all the difference.
There’s also another aspect to this that I want to highlight. We’ve been talking about how speaking up honestly and directly even when it’s uncomfortable is a way of staying in integrity. But beyond that, there’s something outwardly generous about it, too.
There’s an inherent generosity to being clear about what you need or feel or want or think, even if it doesn’t always feel that way.
Here’s what I mean: there’s a Brené Brown-ism that says, “Clear is kind. Unclear is unkind.” (And in fact, I’d editorialize that even further to say that clear can be wildly thoughtful and generous.)
When you share openly and honestly about what’s going on with you and you willingly shoulder some of the discomfort that comes with that, you’re effectively sharing the load in the relationship.
And when you do that, the people closest to you no longer have to guess, or try to read between the lines, or wonder and worry there might be something else secretly going on that you’re not sharing. it becomes easier for them to trust you, and take you at your word.
The alternative is when we dodge the discomfort of being clear or honest about something uncomfortable, in an effort to maintain the illusion of harmony (which may be more in alignment with how many of us are used to operating).
And when we do that, we end up offloading the discomfort onto the other person—either by making them guess what’s going on with us or what we really mean, or by making them the villain in our mind without them ever knowing that’s the case or having an opportunity to talk through that openly and honestly.
Again, this is not meant to be a license to beat yourself up for all the ways you’ve been “doing it wrong” up until now! The goal here is to highlight some areas where you may have an opportunity to adopt a new perspective, and make some different decisions about how well some of these things have been working for you, and how interested you are in exploring a different way forward with the information you have now.
It’s also incredibly important to have compassion for yourself as you do some of this questioning and rewriting of patterns. Keep in mind, what has “felt” kind or thoughtful or generous up until now has everything to do with the assumptions, expectations, and beliefs you’ve been carrying, that you learned at a young age through your lived experience. Remember to show yourself some patience and compassion there.
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3 Integration Strategies to Help Ease the Fear of Speaking Up in Relationships
As always, I don’t want to leave you hanging in terms of that question of “...mmk, but how do I actually integrate this stuff?”
So with all that ‘philosophical’ talk about the generosity of speaking up and showing up with more clarity and honesty, let’s talk about some integration strategies to help you translate this big perspective shift into some actual new ways of showing up and using your voice in relationships.
I think of these as little ‘psychological tricks’ you can experiment with, to help interrupt old patterns and assumptions and start rewriting some new ones.
01. Traffic Signs over Telepathy
What’s easier to read: a traffic sign, or someone’s mind?
Here’s where I’m getting at: if there’s an outcome you’re hoping for in a relationship that feels uncomfortable to ask for directly—whether you secretly want someone to do something for you, or to bail you out, or to “catch your drift” or read your mind about what you’re really thinking—this is where it’s easy to fall into old patterns of holding back because of that discomfort.
So, whereas banking on someone else reading your mind and doing that heavy lifting for you is a lot of the other person (not to mention, it comes with pretty low chances of success!) traffic signs are designed to be helpful guides; whether it’s a ‘lane ending’ sign, a yield sign, etc., their purpose is to provide context and offer clear instructions.
So in that instance, ask yourself:
If you believed the kindest thing you could do was to offer this person context and clear instructions about what you want or need: what would that sound like?
What would a clear, concise, helpful traffic sign look or sound like in this instance? Some possible examples:
“I’m happy to take on this project, but I could use some more direction before I get started. Could you please send over some bullet points about what you have in mind, that I can use to get started on a first draft?”
“Thanks for suggesting these brunch places! They look delicious, but I’m feeling a little squeezed budget-wise these days. Would you be open to XYZ Cafe instead?”
“I’m feeling overwhelmed and could use some help getting dinner going. Could you take care of the dishes in the sink before I get started? I’m hoping to get dinner started around 6.”
02. Assume there’s a solution to be found
Because so many of us carry those assumptions I talked about earlier — i.e., that speaking up or disturbing the flow is an imposition or a violation — we often assume an apologetic posture when doing those things. So often we go in having already decided that it’s gonna “start a whole thing’ or “not go over great.”
And you know what? We might be right! But sometimes when we go in with that assumption, it shapes our approach. And that approach can act as a cue that there IS something to be upset about. It can set a tone, without us even realizing it.
So without being wildly naive or totally failing to read the room, you might ask yourself:
How would you start this conversation if you assumed there was a great or easy solution waiting to be found?
I find that for me, this makes it MUCH easier to adopt that “yes, and…” posture I’ve talked about before. Sometimes allowing the spirit of collaboration to take the wheel can keep the conversation moving forward in a productive (and less stressful!) way.
Of course, things aren’t always rainbows and sunshine and there will be times when finding a solution is more challenging. But in the instances where it DOES work out well, you can save yourself a lot of stress or angst when you go in with this mindset.
03. Experiment with saying, “Thanks for asking for what you need.”
I’ve found that shifting the way I receive uncomfortable asks or truths changes the way I often feel when I have to share uncomfortable asks or truths.
This one has sort of a double benefit:
First, it models for other people what a collaborative, constructive approach can look like, and introduces a new way of having these conversations. But also, I’ve found it reinforces in my own mind that not every uncomfortable ask or share has to be the start of a tornado.
This approach helps me see beyond the binary of “agreement = good, disagreement = bad” and reminds me that something uncomfortable can lead to a collaborative, solution oriented conversation.
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The fact that you’re paying real time and attention to how you want to show up in your relationships is huge! Don’t forget to give yourself some serious credit.
As you experiment with some or all of these strategies, it’s also important to use your discernment and to trust your gut when it comes to your personal safety—whether that’s your physical, emotional, or psychological well being. In other words, if you find yourself in a tense conversation or conflict with someone where you don’t feel safe, you aren’t beholden to stick it out. Leave when you need to, and trust yourself to know when that’s the case.
The last thing I’ll say is that communicating your needs clearly and honestly is difficult. And learning how to master this new skill is going to take you some time. That’s normal. So remember to be patient, be gentle with yourself, give yourself time and space to practice, to get better at it to get comfortable.
These are the kinds of shifts that don’t necessarily happen overnight, they come with time and patience. But if you can stick with it, you’ll notice big changes. The payoff will be worth it.
