How to Stop Saying Yes to Everything, Without Feeling Like a Jerk
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🎙 🎧 Prefer to listen to the podcast version of this article? You’re in luck! You can either press ‘play’ on the episode below, or queue up this episode up in your podcast player of choice by searching for the show, Let’s Talk it Through. Enjoy!
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In 2015 Shonda Rhimes came out with her book, The Year of Yes.
I should say up front: I didn’t actually ever read this book, but there was lots of buzz around it at the time. And all I remember thinking upon seeing that title was, "Man, a year of ‘yes’ sounds EXHAUSTING."
Granted, that perspective had everything to do with the way I moved through the world at the time. I had a long history of knowing how to keep other people happy and comfortable, and saying ‘yes’ in the name of other people’s comfort and happiness.
In my experience, few things tip the scales out of balance faster in relationships than being in the habit of compulsively, unconsciously saying ‘yes’ and volunteering to take things on (or give things up) when you’d really rather not.
You might say 'yes' out of fear, or obligation, or when you don’t mean it for all kinds of reasons. And more often than not, the short-term comfort of saying 'yes' purely to make someone else happy breeds longer-term stress, resentment, and missed opportunities.
So, let’s talk about how to stop saying ‘yes’ to everything, and what other options you really have!
Specifically, we’ll look more closely at the power of what I call the intentional ‘yes’ instead of the habitual or the obligatory 'yes'—and how to spot the difference.
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Why So Many of Us Say ‘Yes’ When We’d Rather Say ‘No’
When we talk about saying ‘yes’ in this context, it can often be a form (or an indicator) of people-pleasing behavior.
Now, I feel strongly that there’s a more nuanced, compassionate way to understand people-pleasing behavior without just pathologizing it. And one of the best ways to do that is by acknowledging a handful of big, powerful underlying fears that often underpin a people-pleasing habit:
The fear of conflict or anger
The fear of being disliked
The fear of being rejected or abandoned
The fear or losing control, or not being needed
Most of the time, one of these fears can be found at the core of whatever ‘yes’ we say when we secretly mean (or would rather say) ‘no’.
And I love that reminder, because it’s further proof that we aren’t broken. All of us who struggle with a pattern or a history of people-pleasing learned that behavior as a coping tactic, as a way of adapting and/or surviving when we were much younger. They were once wise tactics that helped us feel safe and ward off pain.
And still... now as adults, we have the power to make more conscious choices about whether that same inclination or tendency to keep other people happy is truly the right choice for us in any given scenario.
In that same vein: there’s a little nugget of wisdom I heard recently that I loved. It came from Randi Buckley, a coach whose work focuses on boundaries:
“Don't offer what you hope someone will decline.”
- Randi Buckley
How often do you offer up a ‘yes’, hoping the other person will either bail you out or read your mind and not take you up on it? How often is that ‘yes’ laden with guilt, feelings of obligation, or even shades of quiet resentment?
My Own Light Bulb Moment 💡 About the Power of an Intentional, Aligned ‘Yes’
One of my friends, one of my absolute favorite people in the world, had a baby last year—and of course I wanted to help and show support during this super exciting time in her life.
So I did what I’ve built a habit of doing for so many years: I volunteered to help where I saw a need.
Where I missed an opportunity, though, was to slow down long enough to consider which needs I was best suited to fill (spoiler alert: there is NO shortage of opportunities to help fill needs when new babies are involved!) and which ones I may have even been ill-suited to fill.
A friend of mine and I co-offered to help throw a baby shower. And I’ll say up front, it went great! And still... I learned some things about myself. First of all, lucky for me, the other friend who offered to help throw the shower happens to be an event-planning genius. Meanwhile, I’m more of an anxious, introverted ball of stress, neuroses, and self-doubt when it comes to planning big events. (😂)
And so, it all basically played out the way you might expect: our event planning friend took the lead and did a wonderful job. I chipped in and helped with a few smaller tasks, all while telling myself allllll kinds of stories about how I wasn’t doing enough, or how I was a bad friend.
(Don’t you just love that anxious brain chatter?)
In the end, like I said, it turned out great. But here’s where it gets interesting.
When it got closer to her due date, I realized I hadn’t seen anything about anyone organizing a Meal Train for her family, to help keep them all fed and nourished when they’d have a newborn at home. I didn’t want to step on toes, but I checked in—and sure enough, this task was up for grabs. I told her I’d happily take care of it.
And as soon as I started working on getting it set up, it occurred to me: I was working in my zone of genius.
Organizing logistics? Putting systems in place? Keeping people fed? These things are SQUARELY in my wheelhouse. They bring me joy, and they come fairly easily to me. Compare that to my inner stress-narrative while doing my small part to help with throwing a baby shower, and suddenly it was crystal clear that not all ‘yes’s are created equal.
Yes, I was glad to be able to help in both these ways. Yes, both choices aligned with my values. And... one of these projects absolutely felt more like ease, flow, and fun for me than the other. Not because one is universally easier or more enjoyable, but because of MY unique combination of strengths, joys, and gifts.
Things to Keep In Mind, When it Comes to Deciding When to Say ‘Yes’:
01. Not all yes’s are created equal.
This is why it’s incredibly valuable to know your strengths, and what you really enjoy! This is how you give yourself the chance to say yes to more of the RIGHT things, and take the time to be intentional about whether something is really a yes for you.
02. When we say yes to the right things, they can feel easy!
It can be fun! Joyful! It can give us energy, instead of draining it or creating stress. Saying yes to things in our zone of genius can help us feel like we’re contributing in a meaningful way, and letting our gifts shine for everyone’s benefit.
03. Saying yes to something we’re not actually well equipped or truly willing to do can actually be a disservice.
And in fact, it can be a real act of thoughtfulness and generosity to let someone else whose gift it is take on the thing that makes your stomach sink, so that their strengths and gifts can shine. (More on that in a minute.)
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Other Hidden Benefits of Learning How to Stop Saying Yes to Everything
In addition to those three big lessons I just highlighted, there’s also a sort of ‘trust the universe’ component I’d invite you to consider here.
What could it look like to trust or believe that when you say ‘yes’ to the right things and exercise some discernment, that you create some space for magic? ✨
…that not only might you be helping that opportunity go to someone who’s perfectly suited to fill that need with ease and joy and their own zone of genius, but that you’re also creating space for the recipient of that favor to receive love or support from someone who’s delighted to give it.
There’s a certain scarcity mindset in believing that no one else can swoop in to help or save the day quite like we can. We might tell ourselves that we’re somehow responsible or beholden to agree to every ask or favor that comes across our figurative desk, when in fact that’s not the case.
Now, the goal with this is not to shirk responsibility, or to bypass the need for community care, or even to suggest that we should only ever agree to things that feel 100% joyful because ‘someone else’ will swoop in to take care of anything we’re not excited about doing.
Because guess what? Sitting down to do your taxes with your partner when you agreed you would isn’t going to feel joyful (for most of us). Neither is following through on your share of household chores, or stepping into a new form of activism that deeply aligns with things you believe in while also pushing you out of your comfort zone. And there may be things you follow through on in your relationships because they deeply align with your values or they’re commitments you made, even if they don’t feel quite as FUN in the moment as you thought or hoped they might.
What I’m really getting at here is an invitation to take a closer look at, and even let go of the assumption that in every scenario, with every ask or favor or need, it has to be you.
And if you are in the habit of saying yes to too many things, or even when you don’t necessarily want to, you might quietly believe on some level that it does have to be you—either because it’s somehow your responsibility to say ‘yes’, or because you were the first person they asked, or because saying no sounds awful and uncomfortable.
🤔
What could it look like to let go of the idea that just because a favor’s been asked of you, it becomes your responsibility?
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3 Ways to Be Supportive and Generous, Without Having to Go Around Saying ‘Yes’ When You Don’t Mean It
Let’s talk about some specific ways to be wildly loving and generous—whether as a friend, a partner, a colleague, or any other relationship—and what it can look like to show up the way you want to show up in alignment with your values and your gifts, without just feeling like you have to go around saying ‘yes’ all the time.
Because when you carry around a belief that your job is to say yes because it’s the only way to prove that you’re kind and caring, it takes away your sense of agency over your life.
The truth is there are other ways to show up with a generosity of spirit, other ways to show you care and offer meaningful support to the people and movements that matter to you—and integrating them can help you feel empowered to interrupt the habitual ‘yes’ cycle, and to exercise more discernment.
At the end of the day, this is about saving your ‘yes’s for when they count, when they’re aligned, and when they’re ‘right’ for you.
01. Be a directory!
Think about it. If you had a friend who absolutely hated cooking, and you unwittingly asked them to help by planning or preparing a dinner menu for an important event you were hosting... wouldn’t you want to know? Would you want them to be secretly stressing out, trying to deliver on something that really isn’t in their wheelhouse?
Wouldn’t you SO much rather them say to you up front, “You know, I’m actually a total mess in the kitchen, BUT I know of this really great local catering company...” or “there’s this awesome food blog I saw a while back with a great article on how to put a great menu together, let me dig that up and send it to you!”
When you’re tempted to say ‘yes’ when you feel out of your depths or beyond your capacity, remind yourself that it can be a wildly generous thing to point someone toward an awesome resource that isn’t you, and that’s better suited and possibly even delighted to help them out.
02. Assume a “yes, and…” posture
This one makes me think of when I read Tina Fey’s memoir, Bossypants, and she talks about her improv background. Many of us have heard of “yes, and…” as a sort of cardinal rule of improv. Essentially, it means ‘be a contributor.’
To me, this is about maintaining a general attitude of support and cooperation (assuming that’s important to you!) while also remembering that it’s ok to focus on the spirit of the ask, rather than the specifics—and to introduce your own ideas. In other words, think about the bigger picture of where this ask is coming from, and see if you can find something you ARE comfortable offering in that same spirit.
So going back to my example earlier with my friend and the baby shower, this could sound like: “I’m so excited for you and I ABSOLUTELY want to help celebrate your growing family. To be honest, event planning makes me sort of queasy, but I’d love to help you design the invitations, or organize a Meal Train if that would be helpful!”
03. When it’s a ‘no’, say so clearly and early
If you put yourself in the shoes of someone making a request, I think it’s easy to UNDERestimate the value of knowing the truth and being armed with that information, even when it wasn’t necessarily the answer they were hoping for.
Setting realistic expectations and giving people time to prepare and adjust accordingly is so much kinder than stringing them along with false hope.
Transparency is generous. When we're upfront about what's real and true, even when it's uncomfortable for us to share it, we respect other people’s autonomy AND our own humanity. (Plus, I almost always find it's a relief to just rip off the band-aid and get things out in the open!)
By being willing to tell people the truth even when it’s uncomfortable or scary, you give people a gift by showing them they can trust you and take you at your word.
That way, they’ll be able to know and trust that when you DO say ‘yes’, you mean it.
